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He ran his fingers through his pale blonde hair and waited impatiently for her reply. Deep down, he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her—to shake some sense into her, maybe—but he wasn't that kind of person, and so he couldn't, and didn't. Instead, he stood still, trying to keep the agitation out of his expression and the pain out of his eyes, all the while chewing on his lip so hard he could taste metal.

He'd never wanted anything so badly, had never fought with Alfred over anything growing up—had always thought of himself as a sharer, a man of compromise and sacrifice, but now, he wasn't so sure anymore. He wasn't sure he could share her. He thought he might fade into a million individual cells held together by a ghost of a human shape if he ever had to compromise on anything regarding her.

Yet she, unable to read his mind, only bit her lip and grimaced apologetically, oblivious to the twisting in his stomach.

"I can't," she said, looking down at her feet. She let out a quiet sigh, and the shade under her eyes appeared to darken. "I'm sorry, Matthew, I—"

"Why not?" His hands clenched into fists and he dug his nails into his palms, focusing on the pain to soothe his nerves. He kept his tone even as he said, "He's playing around. He doesn't love you."

"You don't know that," she said, a little irritated. "In his own way—"

"I love you more," he said, huskily.

She blinked, taken aback by his forwardness, and by the sheer emotion he'd thrust into that one sentence. A blush swept across her delicate features, and her tongue tripped over itself when she spoke again: "You're mistaken."

"How can you say that?" It was his turn to be irritated. The urge to cup her face in his hands and make her look at him, dead-on, washed over him and threatened to pull him under, but he resisted, shoving his hands into his pockets. "How can you possibly say I'm mistaken when I'm the one who feels these feelings? You're not me; you can't invalidate my feelings. How can you possibly tell me I'm wrong when I say I love you, because how is my loving you wrong?"

Her eyes widened, and she snapped her mouth shut.

For a moment, he worried he'd gone too far and shown her more than she could take, and he cursed himself for letting all of those sleepless nights and ripped up letters spill out of him. Regret flickered within him as he wondered if he was ruining what they already had by pushing her like this, because if he was...

Then she broke the silence, in a voice that made his chest tighten. "It's not," she replied, to his surprise. She took in a deep breath and held it in. "But how else am I supposed to react when you say something like that? What else can I do but try to brush it off? Don't we all say things we don't really mean so we don't have to look at ourselves too hard?"

"I—"

"I've told you so many times before that I love Alfred, but where did that lead us? Nowhere. Here." She looked down at her hands, twisted together as if she were clinging to herself. "If—if I say I understand that you love me, it still won't take us anywhere. You want me to be with you, and Matthew, I love you, but not in the way you need to be loved."

"There's only one way I need to be loved, and it involves you," he said, his voice breaking.

Her face suddenly crumpled, as if something had burst inside of her, and a tear slid down her cheek. "God, Matthew, you're so corny."

"What's so great about Alfred?" he said, his voice barely audible.

"What's so great about me?" she returned, closing her eyes.

"I don't know, but—"

"I don't know why I love Alfred, either. I only know I do, even though he's such a jerk—even though he keeps running off with that girl—"

He kissed her, and the rest of her sentence was spoken into his mouth, muffled and torn. As she sobbed, trying to untangle herself from him, he held her close and sought to find something comforting to say; but there were no words he hadn't tried on himself already, and he knew words were useless, anyway. Words were weightless.

When he finally released her, her eyes were as red as her lips, and she raised a hand to hide her face.

"Why?" she breathed. "Why, Matthew? Alfred—"

"Forget about him," he said, roughly. "I don't care anymore. I don't care if you think you're happy with him because you're not."

"I was."

"Was," he emphasized.

"I'm afraid," she said.

And she didn't have to specify what she was afraid of. He knew. He was afraid of the same thing.

"Aren't we all?" he whispered.

She wiped her face with her sleeve. "I think..." she began.

He heard the tremble in her voice, and leaned in to kiss her again. This time, she didn't resist. Her lips moved beneath his, and his heart started to pound as if his life depended on it, in more ways than one.

And maybe it did, he thought dazedly, trying not to think as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer.


Maybe it did.
Don’t we all say things we don’t really mean so we don’t have to look at ourselves too hard?

Oh, the angst...I don't really know why I wrote this; except, I had some ideas I wanted to express, and they kind of crowded my head and came out a little convoluted...I don't think love can be wrong, per se, but it can be expressed inappropriately. For another angsty CanadaxReader insert: [link]

As always, thank you for reading!

---

Story © Jenny Ge
Hetalia © Himaruya Hidekaz
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:iconigame101:
IGame101 Featured By Owner May 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*feelings pour out carelessly*
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:icon14pip14:
14pip14 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013
I almost cried. i love it. Nutin more to say.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad you liked it! :')
Reply
:iconhetaliaxchaser:
hetaliaxchaser Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
HOLY FUUUU:iconovariesplz:
That was absolutely amazing!!! And no THANK YOU for writing that piece of awsome!!!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
XD I'm glad you liked it! Thank you for your kind words! :')
Reply
:iconhoneydewsweetie:
honeydewsweetie Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
nice : )
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Late reply OTL but thanks! :')
Reply
:iconyurimikki:
YuRiMiKkI Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Artist
FFFFFF- Canada, how do you actually know so much about me when you only exist in the Anime Dimension?
:iconcraiplz: Wonderful Story. So Wonderful.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
; u ; If only he were real!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked the story!
Reply
:iconumioko:
Umioko Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So powerful. I started to shudder at parts. o Ao
Nice job!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw! Thank you so much for your kind words! :')
Glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconprussiancrimsonheart:
Wow! This is so amazing!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! :3
Reply
:iconprussiancrimsonheart:
Welcomes!
Reply
:iconairforcewoman-russia:
airforcewoman-russia Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
:iconcryingplz:
My feels!
It was well written though! :D
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:icontissuesplz:
Thank you very much! X3
Reply
:iconcheetahmorpher:
CheetahMorpher Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
This story is so amazingly written! I loves it!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much! :3
Reply
:iconcheetahmorpher:
CheetahMorpher Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
You're welcome~!
Reply
:iconthe-panda-bread:
The-Panda-Bread Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh my God...
When i was younger, I was friends with a shy blonde boy named Matthew. He had a crush on me, and I sort of indirectly rejected him, due to my blossoming crush on this bishie-sparkle picture perfect, sweet as can be, boy(who was also blonde :I). Who, as cliche as it sounds, was chasing after this slutty girl. At a valentines day party i threw for all of my girl classmates, we all made Valentines for people. Boys we liked for the most part, as the slutty girl was there, at the time I tried to be friends with her, but grew to dislike her as time passed. We all pestered her to make a card for the bishie boy, and she didn't, she told me to it. I honestly can't remember if i did make him one or not. But what I do remember, was I made a card for Matt. So i gave it to him. He of course, questioned why his valentine was so special and such.
By then, I had locked up all of my feelings for the pretty boy, and finally fell for Matt.
Later that day he asked out another girl to be his girlfriend.
a few months later he got his last named changed due to his parents divorcing, and he moved to Illinois.
Nobody told me, and I lost all contact with him.
I never saw Matt again.

A few minutes ago, I was grieving about what a dick I was back then, and then I read this.
This is what would have happened if he verbally confessed.
So of course, I cried like an idiot.

The message you portrayed was beautiful, unlike most of these stories, I could connect with it whole heart-idly.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm really sorry to hear that...sometimes, I look back and think about this thing that happened between me and this guy (it was a situation a little like yours), and I feel terrible; but then, I think, "There was no guarantee it would have worked out, either."

I'm glad you liked my story! Thank you for your kind words. Hope you feel better! :')
Reply
:iconevil-ju-ju:
EviL-Ju-ju Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
Niiiiiiice.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! :3
Reply
:iconexsakura-lit:
ExSakura-Lit Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"Don’t we all say things we don’t really mean so we don’t have to look at ourselves too hard?"
Just added that to my list of awesome quotes.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! I'm glad you like that quote; I think it's so, so true... ; u ;
Reply
:iconexsakura-lit:
ExSakura-Lit Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It really is :)
Reply
:iconrebeccaah:
RebeccaAH Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
JKGHSG OH ITS PERFECT <3
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
XD Glad you liked it!~
Reply
:iconshoujo-slytherin:
Shoujo-Slytherin Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student Writer
... Story of my life.
Reply
:icontonda-kemono:
Tonda-Kemono Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
RIGHT IN THE FEELS. I loved it though <3
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
XDXD Thank you! :')
Reply
:iconpaintingmaniac:
PaintIngMANiAC Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
Wooow too cool :D the emotion!! Maaaan!!! XD this w as too cool, seriously. I could picture practically everything!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hurray for visualization!
Thanks! :')
Reply
:iconpaintingmaniac:
PaintIngMANiAC Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
Haha hurray! XD you're welcome!
Reply
:iconwhisperingwatermelon:
OOowww, right in the feels. I like it. XD
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
; u ; Here's a band-aid for your feels!
Glad you liked it! :')
Reply
:iconsockjuice:
sockjuice Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yep! Thank you very much for posting this! I had no idea; I've now changed the preview picture to one of my own, and will move on to change my other preview pictures! :)
Reply
:iconunlovedwolf:
unlovedwolf Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Quick question did you get permission from the artist of the image to use it? :/ Imma guess no.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for informing me of the rules in the kind way that you have; I've changed the preview picture to one of my own!

I've noticed that many fanfic writers use art that they haven't gotten permission to use--will you speak to all of them? I admire your vigilance!
Reply
:iconflotus-17:
flotus-17 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student Artist
:iconenglandcryplz:
YOU, MY GOOD SIR, HAVE MADE ME CRY.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aaaah, OTL //wipes your tears.
Reply
:icontacomonsterr:
TacoMonsterr Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I would say make this into a full novel, but...
It just wouldn't have the same feeling of the unknown and of the suddenness.
Bravo to you, fellow writer. Bravo.
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've tried so many times to write longer stories, but I've flopped each time. Short stories allow for a different kind of impact...I think, one day, I'll try to write a novel-length story XD.

Thank you for your kind words!
Reply
:icontacomonsterr:
TacoMonsterr Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, no probs(:
Reply
:iconkyoukoimouto:
KyoukoImouto Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconmahfeelzplz:
THE FEELS, I CAN'T EXPLAIN THE FEEEELSSS.
This is so amazing ;w; I can't even--
The ending just- ASDFGHJHJHAKHF<3
I really love it all, it's so amaaazing! You did a really great job. ^ - ^
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
//shovesfeelsdownreaders'throats. XD

Thank you very much! :')
Reply
:icondiamondsnake:
Diamondsnake Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful and so many damn feels!
Reply
:iconlivewithout:
livewithout Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! :')
Reply
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